Yesterday we woke up to snow here in Portland. It snowed all day and, by late afternoon, the city had come to a complete standstill. I typically love these days because being stuck in the condo is a great excuse to skip the workout and snuggle in bed with coffee and baileys and bad TV.
Instead, I was so lonely that it hurt to breathe. My roommate has left town for a week and my unwillingness to drive when road conditions are icy left me without the company of another human being for over 24 hours. It wasn't pretty. I alternated periods of frenetic cleaning with periods of staring out of the window, an abandoned book in my lap and tears slowly leaking down my cheeks.
How can simultaneously I hate someone and miss them with equal intensity?
I went into work this morning just to not be alone. But I burned through my to-do list in less than two hours and there was no one in the office to give me any busy work. After a cold journey home, I am back to where I spent most of the day yesterday. Alone and in bed. Sad. And sick of it.
I am already so tired of living this way and am so weary of my own company. This paralyzed, self-absorbed, obsessive, melodramatic person is not who I am. I keep telling myself that people break up every day. . . and there is a lot of wonderful stuff going on in the world that I am missing because I'm not strong enough to HTFU and pull myself out of this awful place. I can't say that its making a whole lot of difference.
So when does this all end? How do I get my life back in more than 15 minute chunks of distraction? Where is my fire and how do I get it back?