Monday, December 15, 2008

C'mon Already. When Does it All End?

This cold snap has horrible timing.

Yesterday we woke up to snow here in Portland. It snowed all day and, by late afternoon, the city had come to a complete standstill. I typically love these days because being stuck in the condo is a great excuse to skip the workout and snuggle in bed with coffee and baileys and bad TV.

Instead, I was so lonely that it hurt to breathe. My roommate has left town for a week and my unwillingness to drive when road conditions are icy left me without the company of another human being for over 24 hours. It wasn't pretty. I alternated periods of frenetic cleaning with periods of staring out of the window, an abandoned book in my lap and tears slowly leaking down my cheeks.

How can simultaneously I hate someone and miss them with equal intensity?

I went into work this morning just to not be alone. But I burned through my to-do list in less than two hours and there was no one in the office to give me any busy work. After a cold journey home, I am back to where I spent most of the day yesterday. Alone and in bed. Sad. And sick of it.

I am already so tired of living this way and am so weary of my own company. This paralyzed, self-absorbed, obsessive, melodramatic person is not who I am. I keep telling myself that people break up every day. . . and there is a lot of wonderful stuff going on in the world that I am missing because I'm not strong enough to HTFU and pull myself out of this awful place. I can't say that its making a whole lot of difference.

So when does this all end? How do I get my life back in more than 15 minute chunks of distraction? Where is my fire and how do I get it back?

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