Thursday, March 4, 2010

Peaks and Valleys.

Be OK with what you feel and feel it.

Pretty much the best advice I've received this week.

The last 24 hours have pretty much sucked. I knew a big funk was coming, but the knowledge that something is coming doesn't necessarily mean that surviving it is any easier.

I decided to go to intervals last night and work out with the team. It was probably good for my body to get some intense exercise, but mentally the session was a disaster. It was impossible to get my heart rate up when there is an evil little voice in my head saying "Why are you here? None of this matters anyways." Too much doubt, too little focus. After we were done, I left quickly, wishing I had just stayed home.

Sleep has not yet become a problem. If anything, I'm sleeping too much. I came home last night and went straight to bed at 8PM, sleeping straight through until my alarm went off at 5AM. Hauled Christy and I to core class. Went through the motions. Tried to sweat my way into a better frame of mind.

It didn't work. I put on a good face for breakfast with a friend, then scowled and sulked my way through a quick ultrasound appointment. (The appointment was to confirm that a spot in my right breast that was discovered during the Sunday MRI was normal. It is.) After that appointment, I had two and a half hours to kill before acupuncture. I could have done anything with those two hours: the zoo, shop, read, write. Instead, I went home, closed the drapes and curled up in bed. Watched bad TV with a complete absence of motivation and optimism.

I am scared. Not of dying. I am scared that living as a survivor will take away the things that gave me joy in the times BC (before cancer). Like being fast and strong on a bike. Like a life mostly free of real worry. Like the confidence in my body and beauty that I have finally found now that I am in my 30s.

This fear is a huge weight on my shoulders and I know it is not doing my beleaguered body any good. Acupuncture this afternoon helped immensely. Not just the treatment itself, but Sarah's wise words.

Be OK with what you feel and feel it.

Somehow I'm confident that being OK with the fear and sadness will make it pass that much faster.

1 comment:

Cigo said...

Wise indeed. Edward Abby said 'To name something is to own it'.

And remember; feelings, like clothing, have their places in your life. Don't just carry them around in a big basket all the time. Take them out, wear them, and then put them away where they belong when it's time.

Ahhh, the pithy similes...