Tuesday, January 6, 2009

I'm Not Ignoring You, I Have Inflamed Sinuses and Am Too Busy Writing a Personals Ad.

I'm on Day 5 of the latest attack of the rhinovirus. Now at the stage where all noise is reaching my brain only after making it through the eight layers of cotton in my ears and sinuses. The neti pot is my best friend right now, although its only relieving about 1/2 the pressure in my head, 1/2 is valuable relief.

Looking at my calendar, I think this will by my first five-day work week in almost eight weeks. The oppression is stifling. I coped yesterday by taking frequent breaks to flush my sinuses and with several futile attempts to write a online dating profile.

I've decided to think about possibility of maybe doing some online dating. If nothing else, it'll give me some new material to write about.

The futility had several causes:

1. I am looking for two diametric relationship paradigms: (1) The Post Break-Up One Night Stand and (2) The Long Term Relationship That Finally Sticks. I suppose these require different strategies.

2. The picture requirement. I don't have a single picture of myself that I look at and don't immediately think "hey there, nose, how's it going, haven't seen you in at least three minutes...".

Either that or dressed in Lycra and covered in mud, blood or cowshit.

3. I have no idea what tone to take. Flirty, sexy, honest, witty? I surely can't BE MYSELF. Because if I write anything about how I have a bike addiction, don't cook and probably won't want to kiss you if use a lot of multi-syllable words wrong or profess to like Jack Johnson's music, probably not going to get anywhere with that.

So I made a list of my good traits: Employed. Monetarily self-sufficient. Fit. Mostly in control of various neuroses. Loves bikes and beer and running around in her underwear. Voted for both Obama and Sam Adams. Loyal friend. Laughs as frequently as possible. Has no tolerance for bullshit or dishonesty. Has a healthy spine. Won't pretend I've read a bunch of important books when I haven't.

Bad: Lacking interest in most domestic pursuits. Schedule and routine driven, crabbiness often results from deviations. Humor sometimes borders on sarcastic and judgemental. Must eat every three hours to avoid reactor meltdown. Seeking a methadone program for Facebook junkies. Talks to her cats. Watches Rock of Love on VH1. Doesn't feel the need to know anything about math. Will probably post something about the date/s in a public forum.

Maybe I'll just use the lists.

4. How specific should I be on what sort of XY I'm looking for? This is critical. I relaxed my back hair requirement ONCE, and look where that got me.

Reinforcements have been called in. Miss Ali insists that I move no further into this social experiment until she has debriefed me. The fact that she thinks that I require debriefing is disturbing. So we are going to do it Sunday, with several bottles of red wine.

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I'm also venturing into more unknown territory than just online dating. Yesterday I bought three cookbooks. "Specialty" cookbooks for single people that can't cook. I own quite a few cookbooks already (gifts from well-meaning friends and relative who obviously know very little about my lifestyle), but most of them require some culinary competence and at least four mouths to feed. I hate leftovers and quartering recipes required the use of math (see above). I figured they made cookbooks for single idiots, and I was right. The books should be here tomorrow and use of the books should provide more interesting blog fodder. I should probably go buy a fire extinguisher tonight.

2 comments:

mikey said...

Hope you're feeling better soon!

If you like the Neti pot, check out the Water Pik nasal attachment for a turbocharged sinus clearing experience.

Lindsay said...

That sounds a bit aggresssive...I'm not ready to lauch an all-out war yet.